Victoria's Got It. Robert? Not So Much.

© David Hartman

     File this under the category "Folks who are way too excited about their jobs." Got this voicemail awhile back, and have been waiting for a chance to share it. Can't post an audio link on Facebook, at least not easily, but I guess it can be shared here at Spam. To better hear the audio, you might need to turn off the dinner music, unless you wait until the music is done singing to click the link.
     To turn off the music, scroll all the way down the page, past the fine print. You'll see the music widget there, and you can hit the pause button to silence it.
     I'm thinking the Be The Match Registry needs to hire some phone skills coaches to work with their reps. Might increase their return call rate.
     Someone like Dick Vitale, maybe. "Okay, Hartmaaan.....you're in the NBA of DNA, baby! A DNA dandy! Prime-time pumper! It's Marrow Madness! Answer the bell baaaabyyyy, it's stem-cell city!"

Eartha Kitt

     Or maybe they could channel their inner Eartha Kitt, and do it  "Santa Baby" style. They could even lay the soundtrack behind the message:
     "David, baby, please call and take our phone kuh-weery
     For me
     Want your answers real bad
     David baby, so call me on the toll-free tonight...."

     Anything but this Robert guy. I still haven't returned the call. I'm waiting for a time when I'm super depressed, so I can sound as excited when I talk as Robert does.

...

Dickie V.

     There's a new woman in my life, for those of you curious about such things. Her name is Victoria, and she's cheaper than a happy meal. I still love Grace, and may revisit her from time to time on the sly. Men are pigs like that. But Victoria is just so.......sexy. And she's something new. I was getting bored with Grace.
     Victoria is the new synthesized voice of my Android phone. She speaks with a British accent, which let's face it, is far more seductive than Grace's bland American tone.
     There's something about hearing Victoria tell me in the mother tongue to turn right in 300 feet at N.E. 136th Street/East Memorial Road that just....sends shivers down the spine. As you can see, I'm easily amused.
     The neat thing about Victoria is that I can also adjust her pitch and speed. Right now, her voice is just a hair too deep, but I'll play with her and get her exactly like I want her. In addition to giving me driving directions, Victoria can read aloud my texts and e-mails in the car so I can keep my mind on my driving, my hands on the wheel and my snoopy eyes on the road ahead. She's not just a companion, she's a potential life saver. And just $2.99 in the Android Market. Can't beat that.