Dez Sez Misdemeanor a Bum Rap. A Few More Would Make It a Spankin'

© David Hartman

     Having already touched on underwear in a recent blog post, I'm not really looking to develop a theme here on Spam. But I need to address the Dez Bryant blunder while it's still current news. I'm sure you understand. Oh, and this blog post has been rated PG by the Ridiculously Obscure Blog Reader's Association of America. You've been warned.

     When Alex was three or four years old, he used to love underwear with superheroes on them. Blue and red Supermen, green Spidermen, even Batman and Robin. Pokemon, Digimon -- it's all good on your underwear, mon. If I remember correctly, there may have even been a pair of Bob and Larry's in the mix. Would have been appropriate, because at that time he wasn't good with his "v" sounds yet, so we called the cartoon "Wedgie Tales" anyway.

     If you're gonna have supercool underwear like that, it only makes sense to show it off, right? When you're three or four. While it's still "cute" to do that.

     So I had to cheer the other day when I read that former Oklahoma State/current Dallas Cowboy Dez Bryant was issued a citation at a Dallas mall essentially for refusing to pull up his pants. It's the only time I've ever really cared about anything Dez did. Dez sez it wasn't his pants that were the problem, but his friends'. He was just with them at the time. So he's a victim. Story of his life.

Hope you don't trip over your
drawers, dude.

     Reminds me of another incident from the Oklahoma County courthouse last year. I was there with the Geezer, the preacher and an elder showing moral support for a friend when a stranger approached us thinking the elder was an attorney. This kid, who couldn't have been older than 22, really, really needed a good attorney, for reasons other than he missed his morning court date and just had a bench warrant issued for his arrest.

     He told us the story of his arrest for possession of illegal drugs. Seems that when he came home one day, he took off his pants and went to bed. Later, hearing fighting outside his apartment, he put his pants back on and went to investigate. When the cops came, he was detained and searched along with the troublemakers. They found drugs in the jeans pocket.

C'mon, girls. We're all twins
from behind. No need to prove it.

     But guess what! They weren't his pants! In his haste to dress and join the fracas, he put on someone else's pants by mistake! That's his story, and he was stickin' to it.

     It's an easy oversight to make, if say, you've got a lot of guys in one apartment and none of them are wearing pants. Oh, to be in the courtroom when that cross examination went down. Whatever the state offered, son, I hope you took the deal.

     Anyway, I know that fads come and go, but this whole show-the-world-your-boxers era has been around for way too many moons now. It's time to flush this fashion faux pas.
     It's not just the thrill of showing your shorts that I don't get. It's the function issue. What if you had to run somewhere? How exactly can you run fast from the police when the crotch of your jeans is down at your knees?

     But if guys can't seem to wear the pants anymore, girls are just as bad with the low-rise jeans. I don't get that, either. Don't these girls have mommies to kinda sorta notice and correct these issues? Some things are better left to the imagination. This is one of them.

     Even bellbottoms and big hair were better than this.