Coupon Anxiety: Is It Really Worth It?

© David Hartman

     I coupon like a boy. I know this. I really want to learn to coupon like a girl, but the process seems overwhelming and the bargains underwhelming.

     And it doesn't help that I've been burned by couponing before. Like last week, when the Geezer and I "cashed in" on a BOGO lunch entree deal at TGI Fridays. The catch is you have to pay for an entree and two drinks. Two drinks at $2.59 a pop. Two fifty-nine! For the price of one dine-in drink, I could buy a sixer and have change left over. And if you want sweet potato fries instead of the nasty white potato fries, that's $1 extra -- each.

     By the time we were done, I spent as much with one of us eating "free" as I would have spent for both of us to eat full price at Swadleys. And we'da gotten more food at Swadleys, free soft serve for dessert and better, blonder waitresses.

     But I saw the banner on the Sunday paper saying there were $332 worth of coupons inside, so I violated everything I stand for and actually paid money for a Daily Oklahoman, the newspaper that fired me awhile back.

     Lots of good stuff in there, if I needed canned tea, wax paper or mascara. But I don't. I did see a coupon for a free stick of deodorant when I buy one, and one for $1.25 worth of free spaghetti when I buy two jars of Ragu. I definitely eat spaghetti. I sometimes use deodorant. I'm still not sure sacrificing my principles was worth a stick of Right Guard and some angel hair pasta, though.

     I know there's an art to it. You gotta use a coupon when something is already on sale, so you get two discounts at a time. That takes some research. The local coupon queens at my church get together now and then to learn tricks and trade coupons, etc. I've been invited to attend. Maybe I should go. 

     But I know I'd be the only guy there, and I wouldn't want to stifle the girl talk. There's only so much "do these jeans make me look fat?" and "I was just walking by and I saw these pumps in the window and I thought 'ohmigosh, those would be perfect with my mustard-colored scarf'" and "well, when I was pregnant with (insert child's name).....yada yada yada" a guy can take.

     Anyway, if anyone needs coupons from Sunday's paper, hit me up. Someone may as well use them. Oh, and if you really have to ask, then yes, the jeans probably do make you look fat. :)

...

      I don't want to rant here, but I get more and more disturbed every time I hear on the news that the United States is pledging millions and billions of dollars in aid to some foreign country that just had a natural disaster. This time it's Japan. The same country that already owns about half of the United States as is. 

     Here's an idea: rather than just giving them more of our money because we're nice guys, how about we give them the chance to sell us our country back for the price they paid for it. Then they can use that money to clean up the mess and take care of their folks.

     Look, I've got nothing against Japan per se, other than that whole Pearl Harbor thing. But America has got to break its habit of bankrolling every other nation's natural disasters. It would be one thing if other nations came running with equal generosity to help us whenever a hurricane wipes out a major city or an oil rig leaks and destroys the livelihood of thousands of Americans along our coasts. You just don't hear much about that happening, though, do you? Not nearly to the extent that we spend on other nations when they need a hand.

     I'm a Democrat. I'm all about helping my own poor. Some think we spend too much for public aid to the needy in the U.S. I'm not convinced we spend enough. But we don't enforce immigration laws, so we spend billions each year supporting people inside our borders who aren't even U.S. citizens. That has to stop. You want to benefit from the system, Option A is to become a citizen and pay into the system like everyone else. Option B is to go back where you came from. There is no Option C.

     We've also got to get out of the mindset that it's our responsibility to free other nations from their oppressive governments. Those folks need to fight their own wars and get their independence for themselves. Just like we did.

     Makes you wonder how much better off we'd be as a country if we just minded our own business.